I just thought I would quickly write and share a little history about me.
When I was a kid I didn't fit in very well. I was made fun of a lot and had a lot of emotional problems. I never felt as if I were good enough, I was a loser, and I wasn't truly happy. I always wanted to fit into the "in" crowd. Most of the people in the "in" crowd never new I even existed. I was just there, a person walking around the halls of school taking up more space. I didn't do much with friends. I just didn't have a good self-esteem. What did I do to make myself feel better? I turned to boys. I found guys who would date me and I held onto them. I dated one guy almost the whole time I was in high school. It broke my heart when we broke up and I had even more emotional problems. This time I turned to something else. I started drinking then I started using drugs.
The first time I actually did anything was in the fifth grade. A few of the people I hung out with smoked weed, but I never actually tried the "hard" stuff until I graduated from high school. I started dating a guy who was into heroin and cocaine. I thought I was a strong enough person to stay away from it, but I wasn't. We moved in together and it wasn't long before I was using too. Lets just say the drugs helped take away my pain, fear, loneliness, and sadness.
I was in deep, deeper than most who just start out. I was dating someone who used for years, he was a pro. I was an amateur who wanted to keep up and have my feelings taken away quickly so I didn't have regret. For almost 9 straight months nothing mattered to me except getting that next hit. I didn't care who I hurt, how I got the drugs, or even what happened to me.
My wake up call came when I got arrested. I was, luckily, let go with out any ding on my record, just a lesson learned. I was being stupid, selfish, and dangerous.
I called my parents and told them I was ready for help. They sent me to rehab within a month to get me the help I needed.
I will never forget the night I left home. My parents tried to get me to hurry so we could make check in on time. We left about 1pm and had to drive 4 hours. By the time I got there we weren't able to check in. We had to wait until morning. In the middle of the drive I woke up in pain. I got the hot and cold flashes, constantly moved, and felt like throwing up. It was miserable. The feelings I had that day and night were worse than any I have ever had during child birth. I was ready to end my life that night. I shared a hotel room with my parents. None of us slept.
The next morning we all got up, ate breakfast (except me I was too sick), and got ready to leave. It took another 45 minutes before we got to the center. I was so relieved! When I checked in I weight around 95-100 lbs. I looked sick! When I left the center 28 days later I had only gained about 6 or 7 lbs.
My parents moved me 4 hours away from home to a place I had never been before. It was hard! About four months after I left rehab I relapsed. It only happened one time, just enough to scare me into never wanting to do it again. I haven't! I have been clean since!
Five years later here I am, writing to share my experience in hopes that someone else will find my story helpful.
I could not have done it with out the help of my parents, siblings, amazing husband, in-laws, current friends, children, the gospel, and of course my Savior Jesus Christ, and Heavenly Father.
I am so grateful for my life, the experiences I have had, and where I am now. I am so proud of myself for remaining sober for these five years and pray for many more to come!
I took this last week for my self. I wanted to take the time to think about the meaning of my life, where I have been, and where I am now. I have spent time with family, read my journal entries from rehab, and reflected what I have learned. I hope you will take some time to look back at your past and think about what you have learned from it!
Please feel free to ask any questions! Please share this with someone who may benefit from it!
Thanks! Have a good week!
Monday, February 18, 2013
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Away...
So I have really been trying to actually stay off my computer because one of my goals has been to spend more quality time with my boys. How much quality time can I spend with them if I'm constantly on the computer typing on a blog, or posting pictures for my business. Although doing both only take a few minutes I get side tracked so easy! I usually have to look on pinterest to see if there is any new cute stuff, see how friends are doing on facebook, or look through friends pictures (Yes, I love looking at friends pictures!). This usually takes me hours, so it is better if I just don't get on at all.
As I have been taking sometime off and away from my computer I have come to realize that I am a comfort eater. I don't talk about this much (or at all) but I feel alone many times. Food has become my friend over the years. It is always there for me when I need it, doesn't back talk, always listens and never tells me what to do, and fills my emptiness.
I have felt like this for so long that now it is habit to eat and eat and eat! I have noticed that I eat when I am not even hungry, I eat just because. I have got seconds because I wanted to eat more, not because I was hungry or unsatisfied. Because of this I have gained a lot of weight, which makes me more depressed, which makes me eat more. It is the circle of loneliness. Yes, I have my husband and kids, but my husband works and as much as I love my kids they aren't fun to shop with or have a girls night with. So after much thought this week, I have come up with a new plan for me.
(Day 33) I have added morning meditation to my daily schedule. This is time for just me before the kids wake up. I get to read scriptures, think about my life and how blessed I am, go over events for the day, and just be by myself.
(Day 34) I have also made smaller portions. If my husband is still hungry I tell him to eat an apple, but most of the times he is comfortable.
(Day 35) Since I have always been a shy person I need to break out of my shell. I asked a few friends to have a girls get together. We will do it this month and if it works out I will try to do one once a month.
(Day 36) Start writing in a journal. I figured instead of stuffing my feelings with food I would share my feelings on paper. I am only 25 years old and (I hope) I still have a long life ahead of me. I want to live a healthy life, and overeating is not part of a healthy life.
(Day 37) Go to the store and buy healthy foods for snacks. If you have healthy snacks available they seem to be easier to eat.
(Day 38) Do a craft. I know this one is kind of random, but it really feels good to do a craft. It doesn't have to be anything expensive. I took an old pair of scrubs and made a cute skirt. I still have to surge it, but I love the way it is turning out. It feels so good to accomplish something. I would like to start doing at least one project a month.
(Day 39) Spend 15 minutes every night before bed and pick up the house. I have started to realize that part of the reason I have been depressed is because I feel overwhelmed with many things. If we break things down (like cleaning) and do small things each day it will make a big difference. Although this is only my second day in a row of doing this, I woke up this morning feeling so much better. I knew I had a clean house. I made a good breakfast and was able to put those dishes right into the dishwasher to keep a nice clean kitchen. I know it may seem stupid, but it really is the small and simple things which make life easier.
(Day 40) Get the kids to bed ON TIME! I don't know about you but it is hard for me to get the kids to bed on time every night. I need to do better, so starting tonight I WILL have the kids in bed on time EVERY night. It is important that moms get a little time to themselves and for couples to have time together with out kids. Getting the kids to bed on time will give you the much needed time for you and your spouse, or the time that you need by yourself. I sat in bed at 830 tonight and wondered what I was going to do with my spare time. This is the first time in a long time that I have felt that way. It is a great feeling!
I hope you all have an amazing week! I will not be posting daily any more, I will be posting weekly now.
As I have been taking sometime off and away from my computer I have come to realize that I am a comfort eater. I don't talk about this much (or at all) but I feel alone many times. Food has become my friend over the years. It is always there for me when I need it, doesn't back talk, always listens and never tells me what to do, and fills my emptiness.
I have felt like this for so long that now it is habit to eat and eat and eat! I have noticed that I eat when I am not even hungry, I eat just because. I have got seconds because I wanted to eat more, not because I was hungry or unsatisfied. Because of this I have gained a lot of weight, which makes me more depressed, which makes me eat more. It is the circle of loneliness. Yes, I have my husband and kids, but my husband works and as much as I love my kids they aren't fun to shop with or have a girls night with. So after much thought this week, I have come up with a new plan for me.
(Day 33) I have added morning meditation to my daily schedule. This is time for just me before the kids wake up. I get to read scriptures, think about my life and how blessed I am, go over events for the day, and just be by myself.
(Day 34) I have also made smaller portions. If my husband is still hungry I tell him to eat an apple, but most of the times he is comfortable.
(Day 35) Since I have always been a shy person I need to break out of my shell. I asked a few friends to have a girls get together. We will do it this month and if it works out I will try to do one once a month.
(Day 36) Start writing in a journal. I figured instead of stuffing my feelings with food I would share my feelings on paper. I am only 25 years old and (I hope) I still have a long life ahead of me. I want to live a healthy life, and overeating is not part of a healthy life.
(Day 37) Go to the store and buy healthy foods for snacks. If you have healthy snacks available they seem to be easier to eat.
(Day 38) Do a craft. I know this one is kind of random, but it really feels good to do a craft. It doesn't have to be anything expensive. I took an old pair of scrubs and made a cute skirt. I still have to surge it, but I love the way it is turning out. It feels so good to accomplish something. I would like to start doing at least one project a month.
(Day 39) Spend 15 minutes every night before bed and pick up the house. I have started to realize that part of the reason I have been depressed is because I feel overwhelmed with many things. If we break things down (like cleaning) and do small things each day it will make a big difference. Although this is only my second day in a row of doing this, I woke up this morning feeling so much better. I knew I had a clean house. I made a good breakfast and was able to put those dishes right into the dishwasher to keep a nice clean kitchen. I know it may seem stupid, but it really is the small and simple things which make life easier.
(Day 40) Get the kids to bed ON TIME! I don't know about you but it is hard for me to get the kids to bed on time every night. I need to do better, so starting tonight I WILL have the kids in bed on time EVERY night. It is important that moms get a little time to themselves and for couples to have time together with out kids. Getting the kids to bed on time will give you the much needed time for you and your spouse, or the time that you need by yourself. I sat in bed at 830 tonight and wondered what I was going to do with my spare time. This is the first time in a long time that I have felt that way. It is a great feeling!
I hope you all have an amazing week! I will not be posting daily any more, I will be posting weekly now.
Friday, February 1, 2013
OMG...
I know I was away longer than the week, but It was nice to have a break. I got so much done! Tomorrow night I will post a month in review for you all to see what I have been up to. For now I will play catch up.
Day 28: Plan a run.
Sit down and plan a run for the spring summer or fall. I will be doing a 5k this summer. I was looking online and found this AWESOME run I would love to do!http://www.rundisney.com/disneyland-half-marathon/ I think this will be my goal for next year!
Day 29-30: Plan your meals
Half of cooking is deciding what to make for dinner. Sit down and plan February's meals. Try to go one month with out cooking the same meal twice and try for healthier meals!!
Day 31: Prepare yourself for the "green smoothie challenge"
At the beginning of March I will be starting the 10 day Green Smoothie Challenge! I'm super excited about this, but I need to branch out and try more veggies first. There are some I don't like. So today try a new veggie. Mine was Kale, Can't say I cared too much for it, but at least I tried.
Day 32: Try a green smoothie
I have never actually had a green smoothie so I tried one for the first time. If you never have you should try it! Here is the recipe I used!
Day 33: Look back at what you have accomplished!
If you have kept up with me this far, you have accomplished quite a bit. I know most of it has been little stuff, but the little things matter! If you haven't done everything just do it as you can. The main thing is to try! You are worth it. I may not be the healthiest person, smartest, happiest, but I sure try and that is what counts. I need this challenge, do you?
Here is a cute quote I found, not sure who it is by. I wish I could give the credit to the person.
"You can do it. You can rescue yourself. No matter what you believe about your competence or your worth, no matter if you weight 400 pounds on the scale or in your mind, you can change. You can become every courageous inch of yourself. But you have to act. You have to make an effort. You have to find a path or practice that knocks at the door of your heart, and then you have to do it. Keep doing it even if you don't feel like it on an particular day. If you do nothing, nothing will change. If you act, if you make an effort, then little by little, bite by bite, morning after morning, you become the promise of yourself."
Day 28: Plan a run.
Sit down and plan a run for the spring summer or fall. I will be doing a 5k this summer. I was looking online and found this AWESOME run I would love to do!http://www.rundisney.com/disneyland-half-marathon/ I think this will be my goal for next year!
Day 29-30: Plan your meals
Half of cooking is deciding what to make for dinner. Sit down and plan February's meals. Try to go one month with out cooking the same meal twice and try for healthier meals!!
Day 31: Prepare yourself for the "green smoothie challenge"
At the beginning of March I will be starting the 10 day Green Smoothie Challenge! I'm super excited about this, but I need to branch out and try more veggies first. There are some I don't like. So today try a new veggie. Mine was Kale, Can't say I cared too much for it, but at least I tried.
Day 32: Try a green smoothie
I have never actually had a green smoothie so I tried one for the first time. If you never have you should try it! Here is the recipe I used!
I must say it really wasn't that bad! Try it, you may find you like it!
Day 33: Look back at what you have accomplished!
If you have kept up with me this far, you have accomplished quite a bit. I know most of it has been little stuff, but the little things matter! If you haven't done everything just do it as you can. The main thing is to try! You are worth it. I may not be the healthiest person, smartest, happiest, but I sure try and that is what counts. I need this challenge, do you?
Here is a cute quote I found, not sure who it is by. I wish I could give the credit to the person.
"You can do it. You can rescue yourself. No matter what you believe about your competence or your worth, no matter if you weight 400 pounds on the scale or in your mind, you can change. You can become every courageous inch of yourself. But you have to act. You have to make an effort. You have to find a path or practice that knocks at the door of your heart, and then you have to do it. Keep doing it even if you don't feel like it on an particular day. If you do nothing, nothing will change. If you act, if you make an effort, then little by little, bite by bite, morning after morning, you become the promise of yourself."
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